Last First Day of High School for This Mom (Title Admittedly Needs Work)

Today was our youngest child’s first day of his senior year of high school. It is possible, but unlikely, that our youngest could decide to live with us while attending college. It is possible that one of our two older children could move home while still pursuing higher education. It is also possible that my husband or I could decide to continue our education and have a first day of school again. Regardless of those possibilities, there will never be a last first day like this again in this household. You know, the kind where you take a photo in the same place you took it the year before and the year before that and the year before that….. It’s a familiar, happy feeling and yet the knowledge that it is the last one makes me feel like it is worthy of reflection.

I preface the next paragraph with what seems like an obligatory disclaimer for the age we live in. I know that I am fortunate to be in a financial situation where our family could live on one person’s salary. I reluctantly say that because my husband and I have always worked very hard, and we have always known, as a good friend of ours once said, we were born on third base. We know that we have been afforded a lot based solely on who are parents were. Nevertheless, we both worked hard in school and in our jobs and in our communities. I worked full time after our first child was born and after our second child was born. One year after our second child was born and a few travel mishaps that left our children with babysitters instead of their parents, I chose to stop working. Three years later we had a third child and during the last twenty years I spent most of my time focused on raising our three children. I consciously tried to not helicopter but probably did on occasion. I tried to spend time on myself, my marriage, my friendships and my community. I think overall I achieved a reasonable balance but things could vary significantly on any given day, Looking back, I think I kept things balanced enough that when the kids left there wouldn’t be a gaping hole to fill. That is true and yet….

I made a point to be home this morning, not so much for our son but for me. I wanted to be here to take that photo this morning. It was important to me even if it wasn’t important to him. After he left I went for a coffee and followed a dad and his Hanna Anderson PJ dressed son into Starbucks. Did they have to be blue striped Hanna Anderson PJs? Really? I didn’t cry though. I smiled. I’m proud of the “work” I’ve done the last twenty-three years and despite the nostalgia for the Hanna Anderson PJ days, I’m ready for all our kids to be adults and grandkids in Hanna Anderson PJs. I enjoy the adults our older two have become and I’m excited to see what the future holds for our youngest. My husband and I have put in the work necessary to help prepare our kids for the world ahead of them and now it is up to them. I know we haven’t been perfect parents but we’ve been present. I know we will never stop being their parents but not the kind that you live with. It’s almost time for the last one to fly.

Today as I looked at his kindergarten photo and today’s photo, I thought about so many moments between those two photos. I honestly don’t know if I wasn’t as focused on this “moment “ with the other two or if I’m too focused on it now, but it was like a record was playing in my head….

Does anyone have as many Legos as we do? What am I going to do with all these Legos now? Has anyone eaten as many cheeseburgers as this kid? How many times have I made bacon and waffles for breakfast for him? How many times did he wear an Urlacher shirt for his school photo? How many cars did I purchase at the True Value store for him? How many times did I sit in a blanket freezing watching him play soccer? How many times have I seen him smile while singing in a school concert? Can we go on a road trip so we can sing the entire Hamilton soundtrack together ONE MORE TIME? Did any other boys wear army helmets everywhere for an entire year? Was it bad that I let him aim that wooden gun out the window of the car while driving down Greenbay Rd? Should I have said something when they told him he had to cut his hair in order to get that job or was it better to let him deal with it on his own? Does it matter where he goes to college?

As a parent it is my experience that you love all your children deeply and that it is impossible to love them all the same because they are so uniquely different. Loving them differently doesn’t mean less than or more than. This surprise gift of a kid kept me young at heart. He extended the joy of parenthood a little bit longer. I’m grateful for our kids and for the person they have helped me become thus far and for the time ahead as we all continue to try to be better humans together.