Conversations On A Chairlift
While skiing recently with my sister, we saw loads of littles on the slopes. Some were in lessons wearing tutus and unicorn helmets, clearly enjoying every minute. Some were clearly not enjoying any minutes. One was in tears saying, “leave me alone, I don’t want to ski with you anymore!” My sister, whose children are excellent skiers, looked down on a ski school group and started to laugh saying “I’m so glad my kids love to ski but man did it require years of doing THAT with them.” Her comment got us thinking about who spent hours/years teaching us to ski.
We learned to ski when we were very young. Our parents were our first teachers but in addition to many ski instructors we can’t recall, there was also Uncle Tom, Tommy, and Chris. They were chosen family and we spent lots of time together during the winters. Tom was our Dad’s partner, and his sons Tommy and Chris were like older brothers to us. Tom taught us how to stem christie, which we both still do despite eye rolls from our children. In fact, on Saturday my sister said, “you still ski just like Tom.” When my kids tell me I’m a “pretty skier” I think of Tom and his hard and fast rule — skiers don’t cry, and criers don’t ski. I never did learn to do a backscratcher like Tommy, but I loved all the secret trails through the woods that Chris took us on. The memories of our days learning to ski with the people we loved — family and friends — came rushing back to both of us in full color. Our parents opened a snow globe world to us with the gift of teaching us to ski. Many of my most vivid memories are from a ski run or the quiet moments on a chair lift surrounded by snow covered trees.
My sister, Chris and I are now the only ones still skiing. The others — our parents, Tom, and Tommy — are possibly skiing in heaven but definitely smiling down on us as we ride the chairlift together. We certainly feet their presence on a bluebird day or when we see littles learning.
I know I never thanked any of them for this specific gift of teaching me skiing. I was too young to appreciate at the time that it was a gift. I didn’t have the perspective of being a parent or a mentor. I’d like to think they all knew that I was grateful for this specific gift, but I also wish I had said the specific words.
Later in the weekend the Natalie Merchant song Kind and Generous came on and my sister began to cry. Turns out she did thank my Mom for many specific things. This song came out in 1998 when my sister was living at home just before she was married. Our Dad died several years before so we understood more than most our age that life was tenuous and precious. However, I never knew that my sister cried every time she heard this song. It inspired her to thank our Mom for everything — her selflessness, her generosity — and specifically for teaching her to ski. I learned all this in a conversation on a chairlift, a place I’ve come to love because my parents taught me to ski.
There are things we officially teach our children like manners and spelling, and things we unofficially teach our kids by the way we live our lives. There are things we thank our parents for teaching us and many that we don’t because we didn’t even realize we had learned something. As I enter my mid-fifties I’m realizing that my parents are still teaching me things even though they are no longer here. As I encounter ups and downs of my life, which include the ups and downs of my individual family members, I see my parents and their decisions differently. They were incorporating the things they were taught by their parents into their lives and experiencing unexpected things with each new day. Some of those unexpected things were incredibly wonderful and some were incredibly tragic. In looking back at how they dealt with the wonderful, the tragic and the ever day, I am still learning from them. Conversely, in looking at how my children deal with the wonderful, the tragic and the everyday in their lives, I understand that they need to experience them on their own and upon reflection afterwards they will learn more about themselves and perhaps about us too.
Most of the people in my family are at unique crossroads right now. Some are joint, some individual, some incredibly exciting, some incredibly scary and some can be avoided by shear inertia. How we approach these crossroads is deeply impacted by the life teachings of family and friends, some of whom may no longer even been in our daily lives.
It’s a lot to get from a conversation on a chairlift but it’s just how my brain is working these days. Anyway — thanks for teaching me to ski Mom, Dad, Tom, Tommy, and Chris.
Kind & Generous by Natalie Merchant
You’ve been so kind and generous
I don’t know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I’m in debt to you
For your selflessness my admiration
For everything you’ve done you know I’m bound
I’m bound to thank you for it
You’ve been so kind and generous
I don’t know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I’m in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
For everything you’ve done, you know I’m bound
I’m bound to thank you for it
Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave
The love, the tenderness, I want to thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love
And the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you show my gratitude
My love, and my respect for you, I want to thank you
Oh, I want to thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
